alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
