I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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