I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
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Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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