I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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