he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
