There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
