Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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