if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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