What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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