Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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