I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
