i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
