i think my tv is drunk
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
