and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
