My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
