so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
