You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
