i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
