I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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