Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
