Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
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You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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