I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Less talking, more tequila
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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