Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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