I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
