I will die if light touches me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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