Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
