there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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