Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
