My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
