in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
