Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will be naked everywhere
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
