what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
