My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
