I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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