There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
