We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I am spending my child support on dildos
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Your penis caused this!
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