I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
