So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
