Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
