If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
