I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
