Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
