I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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