The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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