yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
