I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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