You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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