No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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