It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
