So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
