there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
