I didn't shave. On purpose
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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