community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
