I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
